JoJo is a great dog — very friendly and generally well-behaved. I really enjoy walking her — by myself — as she stays fairly close, listens well and responds almost instantly to commands (except when swimming after ducks). The only time she is ever on a leash is when there are park rangers or other law enforcement officials nearby who might issue tickets or fines for our reckless disregard for posted ordinances (I mean, come on, those signs are meant for other dogs … and I’ve seen many dogs on leashes that were less well-controlled than JoJo off a leash).
I could go on at greater length about how wonderful JoJo is, but that’s not why I decided to post an entry about her. What prompted me to share a photo and some text is that just before leaving for a long walk in the neighborhood today, Amy looked over and said, "If you can wait 10 minutes, I’ll go with you…", and then when she looked up and saw my rather unenthusiastic facial expression, sighed and said "Never mind, go ahead."
Although Amy and I enjoy each other’s company, enjoy the dog and enjoy going for walks together, when the three of us go out for a walk, I find it very stressful. The dog wanders much farther away, and does not listen nor respond to commands nearly as well and when she is only with me. We’ve had a number of neighbors remark that JoJo seems like two different dogs, depending on whether I’m walking with her or Amy is. And unfortunately, when both Amy and I are walking JoJo, the dog operates under Amy’s rules of engagement.
I have experimented with different approaches to managing the stress. I’ve tried to assert Joe’s rules of engagement, but this requires frequent and repetitive commands, and I feel like I’m spending most of my time shouting to / at the dog (which is not much fun for any of us). I’ve tried to remain completely detached, and let Amy assume full "control" of the dog, but inevitably the dog moves so far out of my comfort zone (e.g., crossing to another side of the street or wandering up to a neighbor’s house) that I intervene.
Amy walks the dog more often than I do, especially now that I’m away Monday thru Friday nearly every week (doing the long commute to Palo Alto since joining Nokia Research Center), and as far as I can tell, JoJo has not caused or experienced any significant harm during all of these walks under Amy’s rules of engagement. It’s not that I don’t trust Amy’s judgment — indeed, I often trust her judgment more than my own. And she is a much more effective caregiver to other living things (especially children, animals and plants) than I am [aside: she has sometimes accused me of applying my dog training philosophy to child rearing, but that would be another entire post].
So why do I have such a problem about walking the dog with her? Is it a boundary issue? A control issue? A righteousness issue (my way is the right way)? A perception issue (e.g., what will others think of me based on the behavior of my dog)? Some combination of all of these? Something else entirely?
The problem has increased as my time at home has decreased — time spent together (walking the dog or doing other things) is more at a premium than ever before. I would like to just let go of my hangup(s), but I have not yet been able to maintain my equilibrium under any of the approaches I’ve tried. So, despite my angst when Amy asked about accompanying JoJo and me today, and her [slight?] dejection when it became clear that, no, I did not want her company on the walk, I decided to walk the dog alone … again … naturally [with a nod to Gilbert O’Sullivan].
Comments
6 responses to “Walking the Dog: Alone or Together?”
Seems like sometimes in situations like this there is a symbolic component. Realizing that often a “stick is just a stick,” nevertheless the feel of this story, Joe, is that JoJo represents some aspect of yourself. If you read your posting from this perspective, what then is the story about?
Ah, there’s always a symbolic component. I had to reflect on this a bit, as my initial reaction was that this story is about control issues. However, your invitation to consider whether / how JoJo might represent my self took a while to process. I kept re-reading the story below the photo, and then finally re-read the first paragraph, and then it dawned on me: “stays fairly close, listens well and responds almost instantly to commands”. I’m a people pleaser, and as I noted in an earlier post on self-disclosure (which, I might add, was also a response to one of your invitations), that part of me hasn’t changed much over the years, only the target people I aim to please.
So, incorporating one of the insights from your comment on my post on work, liberty and the pursuit of pleasure — “the one you yearn for is none other than yourSelf” — perhaps the one I [should?] aim to please is none other than mySelf.
I’m not sure whether this is what you had in mind when you issued your invitation to reflect; perhaps this is just an opportunity for Blogging without a Goal (a step toward living without a goal?) … and, come to think of it, my explicit goal in this blog is to write for myself (vs. for others, though others’ input is [almost] always welcome), so perhaps this is a dimension where I’m already practicing pleasing mySelf.
Great, Joe. Sounds like you’ve got an idea…here are a few more thoughts from:
Dream Symbols – Dog – Dreams:
Dream Symbols – Dog
Dogs are ‘man’s best friend’. They are loyal, dependable and function best as part of the pack. Dogs help man hunt and herd, and guard possessions and interests. Dogs are able to ‘sniff out’ trouble and can even find lost people – dogs did a great deal of heroic work in the Murrah Building and World Trade Center.
Dogs in the dream world are primarily a symbol of the inner relationship between you and your animal nature. They also symbolize your feelings about situations, conditions and interaction with others. They generally symbolize male energy but dreaming of a female dog may symbolize female energy within the context of your dream.
Look back in your own real life for your encounters with dogs. This is probably the most important factor in how you feel about dogs, and how they appear in your dreams. Were they feral creatures with sharp teeth? Were you attacked by one at some point? Were they loyal friends that were always there for you? That basic concept you have in your head about a dog can help define its primary meaning in your dream.
How is the dog acting towards you in your dream? Is he loyal and guarding you? Is he hostile and threatening? The way in which the dog is acting indicates how the situation is going between you and that person. It might be your partner, it might be your best friend or someone else close to you.
Is the dog being helpful, hanging out with you, staying by your side? If so that is a great sign that you are happy with the relationship and have found a healthy level of trust in it.
Is the dog nervous and straining at the end of a leash? You may be at the end of your rope with a problem or relationship.
Is the dog obsessed with following a scent? Perhaps there is something just under your nose that you are missing. Work on increasing your awareness of people and in situations. One reader shared that to them, dogs symbolize the libido. This personal meaning makes sense since dogs are, shall we say, ‘indiscriminately affectionate.’ Male dogs will attempt to mate with dogs half or twice their own size and sometimes even get a bit frisky with humans! When a dog is focused on mating, just try talking to him about anything else…you may have to hose him down to get his attention. In some parts of the country, unfaithful, womanizing or ‘loose’ men are referred to as ‘dogs.’ We all know the term for a female dog in heat, and this term is also sometimes applied to ‘frisky’ women.
Dogs guard the realm between physical life and the underworld. In ancient myth, dogs symbolize the devouring aspects of death as well as being a protective and healing escort into the spiritual realm. As such, dogs sometimes appear in dreams of bereavement. One of the symbols of the goddess Hekate is a black dog. Hekate is a mother goddess associated with crossroads.
Well, I suppose one interpretation — and I’m not sure how much I want to link my experience with my dog in real life with dreams (and I can’t remember ever dreaming about JoJo or other dogs) — would be that I’m “happy with the relationship and have found a healthy level of trust in it” … which is true, with respect to my relationship with Amy (or JoJo, for that matter 🙂 … though I’m not sure what it says about Amy’s view of the relationship … but I do believe that she would prefer that I loosen up a bit … sort of the way JoJo does when she’s walking the dog.
Ahhhhhhh, so! “Loosening up a bit.” So the part of you that JoJo represents would be your….(fill in the blank)
To make my interpretation explicit: the part of me that JoJo represents is my desire to please others.